Of Grooms, Brides, Feet and Dominance

I’ve been asked to comment on a post over at DovBear, about a wedding custom of the groom placing his foot over the bride’s foot, to indicate dominance. (I should note that the custom is not about stepping on her foot, it’s a theatrical foot-over-foot intended to demonstrate male dominance.)

Frankly, though, I don’t know much about this odd custom. You might take a look at Mail-Jewish posts here and here to see a couple of other people who don’t know much about it, either. I don’t yet have Daniel Sperber’s 8th volume, to be able to check his references on it.

But let's look at the rationale itself: What’s the male dominance thing about?

It certainly doesn’t reflect the reality of relationships in Jewish history. Tanach does not have a tradition of male-dominated marriages. Whether Avraham being told to listen to Sarah, or Rivkah manipulating Yitzchak twice-over, or Yaakov asking permission from his wives before leaving Lavan’s house despite a direct Divine command to leave, we don’t have any image of male-dominated marriages among our greatest ancestors. Same among later greats - see Batsheva and Dovid as a prime example. The same follows through in the gemara; we don’t have records of male-dominated marriages there, either. (And no, Tzipporah, בעל doesn’t mean “master”; I trust you were joking with that comment.)

But: The custom does fit the biblical statement, "והוא ימשל בך - he will rule over you." Chavah is punished for having given the fruit to Adam, with some kind of corrective that will help future generations get past that sin. Quite consistent with this odd custom, I must acknowledge.

And yet, I do question this odd custom: Since when do we feel the need to help Gd fulfill a punishment?!

In other words:

Gd tells Adam that he is going to have to sweat to bring produce from the ground. Does that mean we would be obligated not to use labor-saving means (had this punishment not been short-circuited after the flood anyway)?

Gd tells Chavah that labor will be painful. So do we ban epidurals? (I’m sure there are non-Jewish groups that do this - but I’m talking about Torah and Judaism here.)

I think we can safely say that no, we don’t feel the need to help Gd carry out punishments. Avraham didn’t, either, and neither did Yitzchak and Yaakov. And if so - why should any husband feel duty-bound to establish a dominant role, in order to fulfill this prediction?

So no, I'm not about to recommend this practice. And further, if any husband is foolish enough to try to assert biblical dominance, let me give you a piece of advice: Ask your wife's permission first.