The Mad Lib Eulogy

Warning: Extremely poor taste and funeral-related humor below.

I know what it means to deal with a lot of funerals – we’ve hit a busy season again lately. Nonetheless, I have no patience for canned, formulaic, unimaginative, dry-as-the-Sahara rabbinic eulogies; listening to them embarrasses me, as a rabbi.

The Gemara says that a eulogy is supposed to induce tears; this is why we don’t offer true eulogies during periods of national celebration. It certainly shouldn't put people to sleep.

Herewith the words of the RCA Lifecycle HaMadrikh, 1995 edition, on the value of a good eulogy: “It must be a heartfelt lament of the great loss that is felt by family and friends, through conveying a true refletion of the deeds and virtues of the deceased.”

So what do you do if you don’t know the deceased, or even the family? Find Out. Talk to them (the family, not the deceased). Talk to their friends. Talk to your shul president. But find something out.

What if everyone hates the person? Yes, I’ve had those. So speak more generally, perhaps focusing on the family itself.

What if the person was an utter recluse? I’ve had the case of people who were developmentally disabled and had little-to-no social interaction… but there is always something to be said.

To demonstrate the barebones, formula eulogy that is frustrating me, I am going to visit the outer limits of taste… and beyond. I will herewith provide the ultimate in poor funeral taste - The Mad Lib Eulogy – in order to demonstrate what really riles me.

First, before you look at the eulogy text below, come up with the following terms. Go ahead, try it:

(1) A Name
(2) An Adjective
(3) A Year
(4) A 20th century tragedy
(5) An Emotion
(6) An Adjective
(7) An Adjective
(8) An Adjective
(9) A Nationality
(10) A Relation
(11) A Relation
(12) An Emotion
(13) A Hobby
(14) A Figure from the Torah
(15) A Relation
(16) One of the sacred books of Judaism

Here, then, is a result showing the kind of boiled-out, pareve boilerplate I despise:
(1) John was a (2) menschlich person his entire life. Born in (3) 1939, in the middle of (4) the Holocaust, he knew the meaning of (5) sadness. Despite challenges, he developed into a (6) kind human being, a (7) good friend and a (8) supportive son to his (9) Belgian parents.

(1) John was a good (10) son, but his greatest affection was reserved for his (11) children, in whose presence he was always (12) happy. He enjoyed (13) fishing with them, whenever he had time.

(1) John’s love for his (11) children is reminiscent of the love displayed by (14) Avraham for his (15) son. The (16) Midrash tells us that (14) Avraham displayed the greatest love for a (15) son that anyone has ever known – and (1) John built his life around that model.

Even as we mourn (1) John's passing, let us also be grateful for the years we had with him, and for his love for his (11) children. May it be a model for us and for our children, and may his memory be a blessing for us all.


And here is a somewhat-less-serious result:
(1) John was a (2) green person his entire life. Born in (3) the Year of the Monkey, in the middle of the (4) Hindenburg Disaster, he knew the meaning of (5) ennui. Despite challenges, he developed into a (6) stringy human being, an (7) absorbent friend and a (8) pungent son to his (9) Mongolian parents.

(1) John was a good (10) cousin, but his greatest affection was reserved for his (11) stepmother, in whose presence he was always (12) agitated. He enjoyed (13) making tortillas with her, whenever he had time.

(1) John’s love for his (11) stepmother is reminiscent of the love displayed by (14) Lot for his (15) family dog. The (16) Zohar tells us that (14) Lot displayed the greatest love for a (15) family dog that anyone has ever known – and (1) John built his life around that model.

Even as we mourn (1) John’s passing, let us also be grateful for the years we had with him, and for his love for his (11) stepmother. May it be a model for us and for our children, and may his memory be a blessing for us all.

Try it out, and send in your results.

Feel free to expand this to Chuppah speeches, Bar/Bat Mitzvah speeches, etc. The only requirement is that you read them aloud in a rabbinical sing-song, punctuated appropriately with sighs and smiles along the way.

[end rant]